A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
