So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
