margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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