CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
