i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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