plz talk dirty to me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
