I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
