you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
