her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
