The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
