Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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