i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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