You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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