nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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