I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
