Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
