Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
