My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
