I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
