i love accidental penises.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
