I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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