It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
