he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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