In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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