I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
