finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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