Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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