I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
