i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
