Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize