we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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