Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
