you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
