omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize