I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
