sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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