How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He better not be in your backpack
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
