When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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