I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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