Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
