They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
