awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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