If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
