When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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