i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
