I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
