She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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