She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
