Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
