you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
