i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
The best revenge is premature balding
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
