I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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