dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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