And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
