i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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