Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
