im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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