yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
