Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
