we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
so much tequila, so little girl.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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