nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
