I hate your face
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
