wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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